


How Can You Still Trust Me?

by tumble4rpdr



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst (Kind of), Happy Ending, Hopeful, M/M, Our boys actually talking things out and being honest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2021-02-26 20:01:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21664408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tumble4rpdr/pseuds/tumble4rpdr
Summary: “His one-woman show had been going so well, sold-out crowd after sold-out crowd returning his excitement and joy and showing him all the love and appreciation he’d been working so hard for. Caught up in the fun and exultation of it all, Vanjie started to run his mouth, started to speak without thinking. He started to slip during the Branjie Q&A, the promoter’s suggestion but something that he thought would entertain his fans if all else failed, something that Vanjie thought he could handle. He should’ve known what going to happen, whenever he started talking about Brock it was almost impossible to hold anything back. All his feelings came rushing back, the hurt, the lovesickness, and worst of all the yearning for everything he knew he shouldn’t and couldn’t have. Brock was his drug and he was addicted and the mere mention of his name spilling from his lips as flashes of their relationship went off in his head made Vanjie do things that he normally wouldn’t do.”Based on some of the recent Brooke related events at Vanjie’s one-woman show, Vanjie starts to feel guilty for some of his comments so he gives Brock a call to try and make things right.
Relationships: Brooke Lynn Hytes/Vanessa Vanjie Mateo
Comments: 7
Kudos: 43





	How Can You Still Trust Me?

**Author's Note:**

> I should be working on the next chapter of Rose Tint My World but this idea just wouldn’t leave my head. After Vanjie’s show where she (unintentionally) made it seem like Brooke cheated and then the crowd booed Brooke’s upcoming show, I started to think about how both of them were feeling about all this and what would happen if they actually talked about it. I’m using male pronouns for both of them (since neither of them are in drag in this fic) and Vanjie is Vanjie throughout (but Jose whenever Brock’s talking to him) and Brooke is Brock. Once again comments are greatly appreciated (as this is my first one-shot) and thank you to whoever reads this💜

Vanjie felt the cool glass of the car’s window against his forehead as his eyes peered open. He watched street lamps illuminate the night sky, the lights seeming to form an electric ribbon tied around the city as the car sped passed them. Though exhaustion encased his mind, Vanjie knew he was somewhere in the UK. His show in Leeds had ended however many hours ago as he made his way to a hotel before his show in Liverpool a day later.

With the humming of the engine and the window’s chilly surface reminding him more and more of the underside of a pillow, Vanjie’s eyes began shutting once again. It was then that he felt his phone vibrate in the pocket of his sweatpants, then again, then again. Vanjie moved himself off the side of the car, reluctantly opening his eyes and straightening himself out to pull out his phone. There was a string of three text messages, all fairly lengthy, plastered over his wallpaper of Riley’s cute face. He started skimming them before unlocking his phone, suddenly becoming much more awake once he saw who the messages had came from: **Brock** **🧡🦶🏻😽**

Embarrassment squeezed at Vanjie’s insides, the same way it always did when Brock’s name appeared on his screen. The emojis Vanjie had placed next to it in happier times now seemed to taunt him, but he just didn’t have it in him to erase them, even if he knew he should. Shaking his head, he tapped on the messages and began really reading. Brock wrote him all about a Rihanna lip sync that had taken place on Drag Race Canada and how much he knew Vanjie would’ve loved it. There weren’t too many specifics, Brock smart enough not to risk completely violating his NDA, but Vanjie could tell Brock was excited as he typed, if the sporadic spelling mistakes were anything to go by. The final message filled Vanjie with an entirely different feeling, one that he knew all too well when it came to Brock. After giving Vanjie as much information as he could about what happened, the series of messages ended with a compliment, Brock telling him that he would’ve loved to see him perform the song and how he knew he would’ve killed it.

Vanjie felt his cheeks heat up and his mind go silent in spacey comfort, before quickly pulling the phone away from his vision and trying to bring himself back down to earth. He really shouldn’t let himself keep feeling like this, especially when Brock’s unexpected texts are becoming less and less unexpected. Brock doesn’t text him everyday or even every week, but he never lets too much time go by without reaching out and trying to keep their frayed line of communication open, like a birthday candle he refused to blow out.

When Vanjie’s feeling particularly hopeful and soft, he thinks it’s nice that Brock still thinks about him and wants to keep him in his life, in even the smallest of ways. But sometimes, Vanjie wishes Brock would just stop. Wishes he would stop sending him texts that are just so gentle and gentlemanly and so everything that he knew Brock to be, and just forget him. Forget him, so that Vanjie can start forgetting him in return and then maybe finally begin to get over him.

This time, however, when the haze of Brock’s kind words lifted from his brain, Vanjie felt nothing but remorse and regret. His one-woman show had been going so well, sold-out crowd after sold-out crowd returning his excitement and joy and showing him all the love and appreciation he’d been working so hard for. Caught up in the fun and exultation of it all, Vanjie started to run his mouth, started to speak without thinking. He started to slip during the Branjie Q&A, the promoter’s suggestion but something that he thought would entertain his fans if all else failed, something that Vanjie thought he could handle. He should’ve known what going to happen, whenever he started talking about Brock it was almost impossible to hold anything back. All his feelings came rushing back, the hurt, the lovesickness, and worst of all the yearning for everything he knew he shouldn’t and couldn’t have. Brock was his drug and he was addicted and the mere mention of his name spilling from his lips as flashes of their relationship went off in his head made Vanjie do things that he normally wouldn’t do.

The energy at his most recent shows had him acting particularly boisterous and extra, but that also meant that he got a bit reckless and a simple comment turned into an accusation. He had implied that Brock cheated and he wasn’t entirely sure how or why he did. Vanjie knew deep down that at one point he did imagine Brock being unfaithful, back when he was newly alone and suspicious and wondering why Brock couldn’t love him the way that he wanted. For a short time his brain had fed off his aching heart and created some malicious fantasy version of Brock, one that could take the blame for why their relationship didn’t last. But soon that version of Brock disappeared because reluctantly Vanjie knew better. Vanjie knew Brock would never to anything to intentionally hurt him or anyone else, especially something he knew would cut Vanjie too deep.

Vanjie guesses he said what he said because he wanted to avoid it all; the unreturned desire, the constant misunderstanding and questioning of what really led to their demise and if they could’ve been saved, the unrelenting emptiness that had started to overwhelm him even when surrounded by friends and fans. Vanjie was no victim by any means, he was stronger than that and knew there was no one to really blame for what happened, but he welcomed the support the crowd gave him. He could wrap himself up in the lights and applause and laughter and attention and for even just a moment have a love that was only his and had nothing to do with Brooke Lynn or Brock. It was only once the show ended, when the stage lights dimmed and that warm feeling went away, that Vanjie realized how much he messed up and how he had to make it right, no matter how uneasy it made him.

He waited until he got back to his hotel to do it. He sat up in his bed and cleared his throat before swallowing his guilt and hesitantly pressing the key to FaceTime Brock. Vanjie leaned into the pillows stacked up against the headboard, taking deep breaths while he waited for him to answer. Brock picked up after two rings and Vanjie can see that he too is in a hotel bed. His skin looked soft and freshly moisturized and his blonde mop was disheveled, the way it usual gets when Brock doesn’t take the time to properly style his curls. Vanjie tried his best not to smile, remembering the reason for the call.

“Well this is certainly a nice surprise,” Brock greeted teasingly with the cute smirk that Vanjie had been longing for. “To what do I owe the pleasure?” he asked after covering his mouth to hide a yawn.

“I didn’t wake you did I?” Vanjie asked.

“No, no,” Brock reassured. “I actually just got in a little while ago and thought I’d relax a little. How are you? I mean, I assume you’re okay, and I know you got my texts, but it’s just, I haven’t heard from you in a while, especially not face to face like this,” Brock uttered softly. Vanjie almost thought he sounded a little heartbroken, but he figured it was simply his imagination.

Vanjie looked at Brock’s face, how he was genuinely waiting for his reply but without an ounce of judgement, and it made Vanjie feel even more ashamed.

“Sorry ‘bout that. Just been busy with the tour and all and, you know,” Vanjie reasoned.

“How’s your show going by the way?” Brock asked innocently and curiously. “I’ve been hearing nothing but rave reviews.”

“From who?” Vanjie challenged.

“Instagram stans, thirsty gay boys, you know, our fans,” Brock replied cheekily. “But seriously, take it from a queen who had to pay for jokes and a plot, I know hard a one-woman show can be and I’m really so proud of you boo.”

The sincerity in Brock’s eyes coupled with hearing his praise directly to his face in what seemed like way too long made Vanjie’s heart feel like a lead weight in his chest, threatening to drop into his stomach.

“Yo, stop, okay, just stop,” Vanjie pleaded as he attempted to hold back tears.

“What’s wrong?” Brock asked worriedly.

“I been saying things ‘bout you in the show,” Vanjie began apprehensively. “First it was only ‘bout yo dick and if we’d ever get back together but then I started saying shit. Shit that ain’t true, believe me I know it ain’t true, but I said it cause I was feeling some typpa way, and that ain’t no excuse but it’s the truth, all this right here aint nothing but honesty, I swear, and I just wanted to fill you in before you hear it from anybody else. I got caught up and I let people believe you cheated on me which I know you never did and I know you’d never do and, fuck, I’m sorry Brock, okay? I’m really, really sorry.”

When Vanjie finished detailing what had happened, he felt even more overwhelmed. His was out of breath and his voice was hoarse and he just felt drained. He wasn’t sure if it was due to exhaustion, guilt, finally hearing Brock’s voice again, or seeing the warmth in Brock’s eyes as he listened to him ramble, but the tears Vanjie had been trying to keep at bay had now escaped, running down his cheeks like raindrops on a window pane.

“Jose, Jose, look baby please don’t cry,” Brock pleaded, his voice laced with concern. “I already know all about it.”

Vanjie sniffled as he looked at Brock with confusion, the fact that he had called him “baby” something that warmed his heart but would be dealt with later.

“You knew? Really bitch,” Vanjie asked in disbelief, the tears running down his cheeks now forgotten.

“Um, yes,” Brock replied meekly as he looked away from the camera.

“And you still let me ball my eyes out like that in front of you?”

“Well, once you get going you’re kind of hard to stop,” Brock gently reasoned.

“Know what, I’m taking my apology back,” Vanjie replied jokingly, sounding slightly more like his joyful, mischievous self. “Taking all my crybaby ass tears and stuffing em right back up in my eyeballs.”

Brock giggled as Vanjie playfully tried to collect the wetness on his cheeks and push it back up towards his eyes.

Despite seeing Brock’s bright smile, Vanjie got serious again.

“But for real though, you know ‘bout everything I said and we still cool?” Vanjie questioned quietly and hopefully.

“Of course we are,” Brock reassured him. “I know you were just having fun and joking around with the crowd. We’re drag queens. It’s our job to entertain and to be controversial.” Brock heard Vanjie let out a soft sigh of relief as he continued. “I don’t care if you talked about me maybe cheating or the fact that I’m circumcised, yeah I heard about that one too.” At that Vanjie groaned in embarrassment as he put his face in his hands while Brock smirked. “So you don’t need to worry about it anymore.”

“But it’s not just that,” Vanjie pressed. “You always getting shit cause of me and my fans. You took the blame for everything on national television and I went around letting people believe you was a ho.”

“Well, that certainly upped my cool factor,” Brock laughed to himself. “A Canadian playboy. I don’t think anyone knew such a thing existed.”

“Brock, get serious,” Vanjie urged, not knowing why he kept rubbing salt in the wound. What did exactly was he expecting to get out of this? “I’ve said some pretty bad shit ‘bout you and if it was the other way around I’d be interrogating your ass and yelling my head off.” Vanjie got so quiet his voice was just above a whisper. “How can you still trust me after all this?”

“Because I know you Jose,” Brock began. “I know the type of person you are and I know your heart.”

Vanjie felt his cheeks color as Brock continued. “You’re a good person and you’d never do anything that would purposely upset someone, even if that someone is me.” Brock saw Vanjie’s confused look and took a deep breath. “I know I wasn’t the best when we were together and even for a while after we broke up, so you have every right to have some negative feelings about me and joke about them. I’m honestly surprised you put up with me for this long.”

Now it was Vanjie’s turn to take a deep breath. “They ain’t negative feelings,” he clarified. “I mean they used to be, at first, right after everything ended. But now, now I ain’t mad and I ain’t pressed, I’m just lonely.” Vanjie wanted to look away, feelings of shame tightening in his belly, but he knew he had to be honest, he owed Brock at least that much. “I’m lonely and I miss you and I’ve missed you everyday since we ended things. Fuck, I think I was missing you even before I even met you. And you haven’t heard from me in a while cause as long as I keep talking to you I keep missing you and I gotta protect myself. I love getting text and calls and messages from you but every time I try and write back it just feels like a lie cause it mean one thing to me and a whole lotta nothing to you,” Vanjie finished, his voice cracking and his tears returning.

“Who says it means nothing to me?” Brock disputed. “Jose I love having you in my life, in any way I can. And I don’t text you to upset you, which I’m sorry for by the way, I text you because, because I’m lonely too.”

At Brock’s admission, both men paused and looked at each other, realization and a shared understanding starting to hit them.

“And I miss you too, you know,” Brock admitted softly.

“You do?”

“Of course I do. You were my first boyfriend and the first time I had such a deep instant connection with someone. You’re so easy to love Jose so of course you’re just as easy to miss.”

“Then why didn’t you say something?” Vanjie muttered?

“Why didn’t you let me know you were missing me?” Brock countered.

Vanjie looked away regretfully as he thought about how much pain they both could’ve avoided had they only been honest with one another. Looking back toward Brock, Vanjie saw his timid but hopeful expression, one that he was sure mirrored his own, and was done regretting the past. Now was the time to think about their future.

“So we both lonely and we both miss each other. Now the $100,000 question is what the fuck we gonna ‘bout it?” Vanjie asked sassily with a smirk on his face.

At that Brock let out a loud laugh that made Vanjie grin even wider. The tension was lifted and they were really getting somewhere, finally.

“Well, we could find out when we’re both free and maybe get together and see where things go from there? And we could talk a lot more, if you’d be okay with it,” Brock replied eagerly.

“Bitch I’m more than okay with it,” Vanjie beamed. “And I’d love to get together with you,” he assured bashfully, his eyes shining with promise and possibilities.

“I’m glad to hear it Papi,” Brock replied, the nickname making both of them smile.

“I guess my fans booing you at my show worked out in the end, huh?” Vanjie said smugly as he smirked at an equally pleased Brock.

“I guess so,” Brock joyfully chuckled. “Wait, they did what?”


End file.
